~my Story~

 Yay- I’ve made it to 36…  At this age of time longevity, or living still with a healthy body is literally a blessing…  Sometimes it doesn’t mean the more you are taking care of your body the more it may act in kindness towards your care… its sometimes destined… Therefore a lil note to myself… from this year I will focus work and commitment , no more swaying or doubting… this office of mine is now my official focus… i will do whatever i can to lift up my company and career… so i can do more in my life… without money no matter how big and beautiful your dream may be… it will only be a dream … I want to  Bring my family to travel every year Bring my lover to travel every year during his bday Bring myself to my hometown every year to celebrate my bday… Workout everyday if possible to maintain my body health cause living to age 88 is my goal~ hehe

故事 这是一个极为 重要 而却被忽略 的一种 述说方式 故事 本身 有没有还坏之分 你和我都有一定 的看法 和 感受  毕竟每一个人都不一样 因此 故事就算雷同 也纯属 巧合对吧? 我近来一直都在想 如果一个人 那也包括我在内 离开过后 我们存在过的故事  谁还会知道？  我们生活过的种种 谁会知道呢？ 我们不是名人 不会纳入任何一份历史 无人记载 也就无人知晓 是不是因为 我们 在众生芸芸 里 只要不出圈 不出色 是不是 就是不被人看见 与 记得 好像我对我妹妹的 宠溺 我对父母的 执着 我对爱情的向往 那一份份 的 moment 过后 会否不复存在  这些故事 会不会 没有记得的必要 而谁又应该 记得 你知不知道呢？ 其实 我心里 也知道 这 是没有必要 因为 所有的一切 其实 只 出现在 呼吸着的 此时此刻 过后 的事 你 和 我 都会继续 让新的心跳 和 故事 继续  因 还活着 而 诞生 我看完 了 新的 剧 名叫 此时此刻 它是台湾 制作  关于爱情 的 故事  以不一样的人物穿插于各自的爱情故事 用不一样 的perspective 去看待每一刻 每一分  我去过台湾 我也没有 很惊奇 或 被 惊艳到 可是看了这一部剧后 却 怎么发现到 它好像变美了 其实不然 它一直都很美 只是那个时候 的我 把所看的 感觉到的 都被 “滤镜” 过滤了 这时候 我才发现 原来 每一个故事 每一个景色 本身就不存在 任何好坏  真的是由自己心里 的哪一个感觉 决定 甚至 影响了 你对眼前的事与物   我好想 要学会勇敢 可是学了不去做 故事或许还会是一样的  那你和我 啊 可不可以 一起 学 会勇敢呢？  <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BWEFMlzZw48?si=QM0oBsslufyKCqbD" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscop...

 我一直在练习 练习离开你 练习不去想你 练习不再看重你 练习没有你 练习这一辈子不会和你走到一起 练习我们有一天渐行渐远        练习你有另一半的一天 练习我淡出你的生命 练习不再看着悲伤的戏 想起了你 而哭泣 练习不再为你的一词一句 而开心 而伤心 练习不再为了你 而痴痴等候 练习你对我的好只不过是一瞬间 练习着继续 练习

 i can almost feel the breaking point right before me this feeling of trap and endless waiting is draining my energy  making me hopeless and the feeling of sorrow comes and goes day by day just what can i do to help ease such pain  im a person that thinks a lot and feeling too much whether too much or otherwise i can feel that solidly  every words of a song, a melody will always suck me into a vortex of feeling i tried to resist at first but now i feel like im enjoying this sorrow-ness harassing me as if im loving this pain, i just wonder how soon can i break free i just want to get out of here

this thought hits me out of the blue, out of nowhere... Malaysia is suppose to be a strong country because we are a multiracial country each of everyone ; each different races ;  we are strong in our way, if we combine forces, we are going to be big however we are too eager to bring down others just so we can feel much better about our-self we tend to focus and emphasize people weakness and flaw; just to let others think that you are better and much supreme than another... come to think about it, where does that bring you? a recognition?  pandemic hasn't gone away, it seems like there will be a bounce back because people are getting comfortable again...  our government are going to hold a press conference tonight and the title will be " if new cases ever go back to 3 digits, MCO will be implemented " this is going to hit everybody really hard and this time, the damages could be fatal... not only life, but also economic wise... but  human will...

we are living in a world of vicious cycle we never learn and we may never will who would have known there will be a day where we will shut ourselves in the house just to survive a horrific pandemic that took many live in this period of time, i have seen many news about the world is healing wild life is once again enrich, although there are a number of bush fire happen here and there but it is healing but soon enough, people will be out again and mess with the world... somehow it has grown to a custom for me if we can work from home now why not in the future i believe thing will go back to usual but i dont want it go back to usual ONLY BUT WITH CHANGES i have never felt work life balance but now i really do i can read, i can workout, i can spend more time with my family, although i miss my friend~(haha*) my director talk about the need of workplace, she felt there might no longer a need but a good to have instead i know people would still wanted an office, because come ...

在这流感施虐的这段时间里 我们都必须遵从行动管制令 留守在家 不要成为病毒的传播者 在留在家里的这段时间 这危机里 却让我自己再次重拾自己 打扫房间啊 看书啊 想要做个更简单的人 运动啊 说着 我也想做了我想做很久的 断舍离 也整理了两大袋的衣服 那穿不下的 那不再穿的啊 都丢去了吧  房间打扫了 （除了床底 和一些盒子里的 有的没的之外 ）因为我还有时间慢慢做 真正觉得是丢弃的时候丢弃 今天也把林先生放在我家的那一袋东西也整理了 说白了 不想动他的原因是因为不想 丢掉和他还有联系的一部分 现在正在看着的哪一本 《谁的青春不迷茫》 里头说了那句话， 反正这一些都本来不是你的 想想了一下 那袋东西什么都不是 连存粹也和我无关 真的是恍然大悟呐  近来看了新的BL剧，叫“那一天”， 全剧20集的网络剧， 听说都是腐女们最爱的  为何我也喜欢 可能是因为我也很想再一次感受爱情的悸动吧 因为年纪差不多了吧 纵然知道 里头的桥段都是肤浅的 可是不得不说 演员们的演技 还是挺引人入胜 我也花痴项豪廷这个二哈1 哈哈哈 男二于希顾 里那孤单伤感 也很让人叹息 老实说 里头的一些对白 也挺有意思 比如说强调着的爱 是不分性别的 这里我虽然有所保留可是 我还是可以理解 不得不提的就是这套剧里还 有另外一对CP 都很喜欢撒狗粮， 展现的都是快乐和幸福的画面 对我而言 BL的故事比男女的爱情故事更多 要交代和揣摩的呢  但愿这世界上所有能够熬过这疫情后 也能够继续 快乐幸福  而我  就希望更轻盈 专心 努力的走下去 在结束前 毫无后悔保留的闭上眼前的 呼吸间 昂然俯首的过着每一天  书里提到说 我们每个人的心里 都有一盒火柴 而火柴都无法自燃 而必须靠外来的力量啊 元素啊 原由啊来点燃的 所以或是一首歌 一套戏或剧 一句话 都可以 点燃这心里澎湃 当然如果你不去找寻你的 元素或者原由 （如果你不赋予你自己purpose ） 谁也无法让你的生命里有任何活下去的动力吧   《那一天》， 虽然简单的三个字 你会否发现 你生命里的 任何一样东西 都不是因为有那一天 才会有这一天呢？ 没有曾经 哪来的现在 对吧？ HEY 遇见你的那一天，...

when i looked back this post, if i survived this pandemic, i think i will give myself a pad on my shoulder complementing myself for being so strong and became a survivor... however i find this pandemic not only being cruel but also an enlightenment to our other earth... i know i am not the most eco friendly person i cant live without air-condition nor without a car, although i hate to drive, if i could have a public commute right next to my house, which doesn't require a lot of walking, imma walk there COVID 19 - Corona Virus outbreak has been for almost 3 months took away thousands of life having to know that Government from around the world aint that honest, there could be way more souls perished than we have already know... seeing people quarantined at home, this given a chance to our planet a breathing space...the biggest differences is the air pollution in China and river in Venice is now clear and calmed. Having to say, wildlife is rewilding once more. Having human ou...

goodbye at the tip of my lips... woke up naturally without alarm beep next to me... i manage to catch the 8 in the morning sun... opened the curtain and mesmerizing the view before my eyes... sunshine reflection on the river water... so peaceful and calm...  i cant help but awing in so much disbelief... after taking a series of selfies... i went to wash up and head out for my breakfast... and i must say... it is really the most chillex morning for a very long time... a think of nothing morning... greeted by beautiful sunshine and wonderful scenery of the river... greeted morning by Maii... i walked around feeling the peacefulness of the space while waiting for my breakfast... felt so hard to say goodbye to this space while i sat by the river... stretching every single second just so i can record as much as i can in my head, so i can reminisce every frame in my head... finally time has come, Bethany said she does not want to say goodbye because that is something very hea...

the finale of this post has dragged on for almost forever... because i dont want to forget it... by reliving it in my mind, doing so I would be able to remember forever... because that was the best trip I have ever had countless magical moment and magical encounter... those blessing are just seamlessly beautiful... Back to my trip... that evening that i spent in the cabin, had green curry chicken spaghetti where its utterly petite costed rm20... i must say it is a little overprice despite this is a train meal etc. the night was rainy, and somehow i felt that the night seems a to come rather early... i remember clearly how i was sitting and looking out to the view... where everything moved towards the opposite direction...背道而驰，相反的 I woke up to the beautiful morning in Bangkok, sipping coffee, packing up my things, and walk out of the sweet cabin with handful luggage and bags and a heavy ass back pack... tried to get myself a grab at the train station... came to my surprise, no ...

it was a 3 days 2 nights stay in Chiang Mai... because I have yet to explore all the place there, therefore i will be back for more of that magical place... on the first night in ChiangMai, I've dated my bunch for a dinner night out at a famous restaurant in Chiang Mai and it was exquisite... beautiful scenery in the garden, stuffing seafood and down it with ice cold beer and follow by a bunch of gossip and catch up...  (I'm blogging this part of my memory in exactly after months )  haha talk about nostalgic.. after dinner we went for a massage however, they massage parlor outside my stay are sadly full house, therefore they have no choice but to walk back their stay and stop by any potential place to indulge some good Thai Massage to ease that sore muscle... second day, we went to numerous sight and done few nice activity such as gun shooting, ATP riding, visit to Tiger Zoo and non the less temple(s) to explore. Talk about once a life time experience. That Chiang Mai is t...

Chiang Mai, a place that I've been hearing ever since. Finally, I set foot into this land that I have heard so much about. After a 14 hours train ride, greeted by the beautiful sunrise. For the first time after a long time, I can finally feel myself again. Despite people walking up and down the aisle, I greeted the couple morning and next thing you know. Captain came of the cabin came and make the bed for us and put the seats back together. Bought a coffee and sipping it. Not the best coffee but definitely enough for me to last for a while before hitting the hotel. Slowly the train arrived at the station, seeing the name Chiang Mai on the signboard at the railway station. I have arrived at my destination. After saying goodbye, I walked out of the station and hopped on a red tuk tuk head off to my hotel. This is a very peaceful place because it is so quiet on a Monday morning. No traffic and not to mention quite as well. I've chosen to stay in this hotel named Arch 39, recom...

Chiang Mai is the second place that I have visited during my Thailand retreat... I've learned that there is a train going up to Chiang Mai, having friends that will be traveling there as well, they gave me a purpose to be there... hence it opens me up to try the train... and the experience was amazing... for this train ride I choose 2 different types of seating for my round trip... shared cabin on the way up and private cube when coming back down to Bangkok... I was lucky enough that I ACTUALLY have all the space to myself for both ways... and this is freakishly amazing... I bought my ticket through 123go Asia, and the experience was pleasant... I did not do much of reading for the attached T&C because it should be about the same... and a day before my trip to Chiang Mai... I decided to visit this bar + dining place located in Chinatown called WallFlower. They split into 2 different shops. One is a bar & dining comes with a live band, whereby the other one is a cafe and...

im celebrating my birthday month (May) with a solo trip to Thailand for 9 days... despite im not really alone due to the fact that i have friends here (locally) and from KL were here attend to me whenever a friend whom accompany me from KL via Whatsapp till today i truly am appreciative to what God have placed for me along this trip knowing and believing that everything happens for a reason... so far everything does fall into places for me... maybe not to what i had imagine but definitely close enough to play the best part of my 2019 i've checked in and checked out Salil Hotel and sitting here at the mezzanine floor of this hundred over year old Hua Lamphong train station, overseeing the crowd downstairs from different country and region of Thailand... this 100 years old train station still bumping like a just born baby being the biggest transition point for the country it carries so many people with different story and background to the same point... so they can disembar...

this heart was kidnapped by someone for a really long time despite the core is here but what within was stolen perhaps not stolen it was given up willingly by myself after 5 years with SW1 Solutions, i finally bid my goodbye with them and move on to another chapter despite its hard letting it go...i have to move on, regardless cause things need to change and shall not remain at the same spot for long... with his attendance, it sets a perfect timing for me to go as well... its like everything that happens are the best and no doubt it is... disregard the arrangement was bad or good... because how do you define whats good and bad if you have neither of them... did you lost all from the bad arrangement or actually you did gain something even by the least i believe you should have gain something somewhere, depending how ignorant you are... i think there are still something in his mind that disturb him and non the less knowing him as a Capricorn, he is utterly stubborn and i fel...

if you ever ask me if i have anything that i can celebrate , actually there are tons of reason for me to be happy and content with... if you ever ask me if i am happy, i can tell you that somehow sadness covered most of my happiness many people started their life with a very "normal" format ; where there's boys and girls ; circle of life blah blah blah... instead of that format ; God decided to made a joke for me... if  God never made mistakes... i wonder what am i? a girl that traps in a male figure... fell in love with the guy that always live a normal life... I wanted the same as well, but instead im never here nor there...  i miss that crazy night we had, dancing and hugging each other, i kissed his cheek, and of course nothing happen... i guess nothing ever will... that steamboat night that only 4 of us... my parents, him and myself... i truly appreciate that short but yet filled with warmth and basically gave me a bit of what ive been yearning for... ...

at the age of 31 i've decided to part ways with my favorite company mainly is because i've lost myself along the way within this 5 years... constantly doing things that is beyond my comprehension... instead of something that i love... living up to other's people expectation and slowly i forgotten what i love to do the most... being too confident, thought of living single and proud will be something that i can live with forever... but im afraid of being alone...but what can i do? should i live with some "temporary" companionship? that doesn't make sense at all and what happen was that i dont care because so long i enjoyed... anyhow 2019 thing has change and thing will never be the same... what presents soon become past... once loved will soon be forgotten...

 Please remember me What is more important than yourself especially when you are basically a single entity walking on this surface But one day you will eventually find someone worth losing part of yourself in order to be a whole again with another part of him or her Since you ar me not the one, why linger at the same place pastering on the sadness of NOTHING I really like you, I really do in fact I wish I can love you instead 😂 Shower you with my love and tender caring, cater you all of me just to put that smile on you, listening to every words of yours, regardless it’s silly or make senses ; happy or sad ; chase away those tiredness and restore you with so much power by myself However our story is written differently , we will eventually become passerby and I care too much to make everyone happy but myself... however it’s time to put those silly idea away... I’m faded because of many things but I know mainly because of you. As I’m trying to fit myself into your eyes by b...

day after day word after word i felt like the world is like a running stream resemble as our world and time and rains dropping on the surface that resemble us and moments.. Running Stream as the World ; Raindrops as the Human The world and time existed quietly way before human were born... it was so quiet that the universe is barely 'living' ... hence i think it was so lonely, human was created to adorn this world... creating hope and despair ... happy and sadness ... light and dark ... to allow us to see things in so many ways that we can never imagine... hence the endless world are now filled with some story to talk about... so mysteriously things work... Day was crowded with many people and activity ; Night is so quiet when everyone hides away Without human(rains) in the event, day or night(running stream) is quiet and flat... Running Stream as us (human life) ; Raindrops as the moment Following the footsteps of our running time, we wake up everyday go to work...

我知道你爱他，可是你要走出来了 你的任务是什么？你的责任又是什么？ 我知道我的任性伤害了我 因为我就是蠢的可以 以为不说话 就可以不伤害你 反而是更变本加厉的伤害了你 对吧？ 你是好人，也是坏人 我是什么人？ 我只是个无论什么时候都想爱着身边每一个人 那些爱我的人 其实都在 所以为了我 你们都费心了 十姐 那把我看得彻底的人 你说我很懂事 宁愿伤害自己 也不愿伤害别人 可惜却不知道间接的 我也伤害了大家 我听到你说 你帮我拿我弄热的午餐时 我的眼泪是多么 不听话 差点 崩堤 你坐着那如此闷热的车 要去开会 若不是我的任性~你一定不需要 如此可怜 不得不承认， 我是以女王的姿态存在 在哪里都好 我都是哪耀眼的那个 也因为你的出现 让我忘了自己 考验我的能力 耐力 这次 也因为你 我挫败了 也因为这样 我不甘心为何会输在你的手里 不说输赢 好了 我爱你 我也知道 不一定要拥有你 只要你快乐 也是爱 对吧